During an afternoon on the river with fire, sketch book, mate and Canadian geese overhead, I realized as I drew, that I have sold out to fear and the counsel of those that believe, including myself, that I cannot return to Argentina. Fear that I would become critically ill and perhaps never recover. There is very real danger with a track record, yet the FEAR has held me in a constricting, suffocating grip as reflected by my worsening health.
Argentina is a place, a home for the important part of my spirit that is full of adventure that must survive by embracing life fully. A life that sings to me on the land and river where I am fulfilled in a way that I have not been able to reach here. I must listen to myself, not others! The God within ME that makes me well or sick. Depending if I listen.
Well, LISTEN woman. Listen with your heart and body signs. After these realizations I WALKED 80% better, nearly normal, but weak from so many weeks in bed.
You are NOT getting well here, only sicker. I have shrunk my Spirit to fit this land. In the too comfortable safety of this house and sweet community, I am reminded strongly how it suffocated Sky's Spirit.
In Argentina, even living in the Hosteria, riding with Pinares evenings after an MS attack and prednisone I wrote, "This land is as big as my Spirit!" My spirit was soaring with the horses and life that is still possible to live in these times wrought with fear and war on the Earth and each other. On my own. Independent, yet with the loving help of Pinares, Rosario and the pueblo of El Huecu as support. Give me LIBERTY from FEAR or give me death. It is NOT working to compromise my Spirit.
It's not so easy to be independent with M.S. Sky said and meant it, "Mother I will help you if you are following your Heart." I want to thank the people that love me and are concerned for any decision that I make that they do not agree with. I ask you to Trust me and to respect that I must live completely without constraint imposed by outside forces for as long as possible. Today, at the river, I realized what had been happening to me and why my health has been so compromised. Because my Spirit has been compromised!
I am reminded of when I had my, first time available, MRI brain scan, 10 years after my initial major paralysis in New Orleans. It was in Denver, where my rightly concerned and alarmed cousins relocated a frail shell of a lost and heartbroken woman further incapacitated by the suffocating heat...1986...M.S., a once and for all time, definite diagnosis. Told beyond a doubt that I must stop traveling ad moving constantly.
Deep depression ensued and after a desperate, slight overdose, I awoke and said, "Ginny, you fool." I called Janice, and she and Ron came for me in Denver where my spirit could not thrive in the complicated and "isolated" big city. we "retreated" to Rifle far on the western slope in the mountains. Ten days later, reviving from "captivity, " I told Janice, "Now I need to get on a horse. I have a friend from my training racehorse days in New Orleans, now playing polo some where near Aspen, and surely she will be happy to have me help exercise the ponies."
The rest is history. I met Ashley looking for Bonnie. Hm-m, sexy, handsome Ashley that made me throw out my short lived vow of celibacy...Throw out my fears from being told that I definitely have MS, chances are strong that you will only live until 52( I was 36) and you MUst stop moving. Within 6 months I was off to Argentina, in love and getting stronger by the moment. I reached and stayed in remission for 10 years.
A Tale and a Trail of Following My Spirit....of following love...
How long will this clarity and determination last? Is it real" It feels real....very real.
If so, the message is, I no longer feel compelled to Talk about Creativity Heals, I MUST DO IT! The message was clear. Do art, not for "Show and Tell, " but for me, Ginny. Maybe it becomes a book one day, but that is secondary. Ginny loving and caring and knowing Ginny is FIRST.
My ego and the need to "save the world" is no longer running the "Show". Certainly I can best help others by learning and being an example of how to love and care for one's self first....To grow strong and to live a balanced, loving and connected life. Other people's influence has run me also. Do they really know more than I do when I am clear? Ginny, pay most attention to DIRECT inspiration rather than INDIRECT.
My heart and body/mind/spirit is direct. Their influence is indirect and often with their own agenda CAUTION, DANGER....I must be cautious with any person as all people have their own needs and agenda to meet, especially men. It's the same always.
People in need will leech my blood until I am dry if I am not aware and let them. It is a basic survival drive. How can I blame them? It is my responsibility to protect myself.
There ia a new and strong commitment to my Art which has waited in the wings for years. Well, move on and let's begin a new, joyous and fresh "play" as Art is taking center stage. Fear is no longer the DIRECTOR. This day is co-produced and guided by the Creator. The leading heroine is full of courage, even anger, as she meets her adversaries of Fear, dressed in all the many costumes and disguises that fear wears.
Sending you much love, with a big smile, dancing in the Light of the Joy of Living fully
Ginny Pearl xxooxx
"Give Me Liberty or Give Me Death!"